Can Women Get Along With Eachother?
About two weeks ago, I found out from a mutual friend, that a “former” friend of ours did not like me. I at first considered this odd being that not only are we in the same group chat, but also we are the same age. I always felt that if someone had a problem with me and didn’t have an issue with telling other people, then they would not have a problem with telling me.
Thus, this brings me to my wisdom topic this week:
Why is it so hard for women to accomplish everything except having healthy relationships with other women?
The truth being that we are not able to come to terms with the vulnerability that each and every one of us possesses within us. Let me break this down:
The dynamics of female relationships are extremely complicated, and that’s a fact. If the women in your social circle think you to be prettier, or more successful, or better dressed, or smarter, or kinder, or more confident or whatever else the case may be – it’s safe to say your fate is sealed.
On the other hand, if you find yourself on the other side of the spectrum, jealous of, or intimidated by, women who deliberately or unconsciously flaunt their body, relationships, lifestyle or life in general, then your attitude towards them will always be tainted. From early childhood, we are conditioned to learn the art of pretentiousness when interacting with our female counterparts, which begs the question, “Can women really be friends with other women?”
Before you cry out in outrage that your circle has been strong since 1998– let me clarify that by no means am I including all women under this toxic umbrella. I myself have a number of genuine female friends and can testify to how beautiful and satisfying such relationships can be – but that only became possible after we personally sorted through our own insecurities, from which our passive-aggressive behavior started from. Plus, I`ve know my friends since we were in middle school, thus, we`ve gone through every possible situation.
The sugarcoating, the manipulation, the judgmental looks, the repressed emotions, the fake smiles, the holier-than-thou attitudes, the backhanded compliments, the gossiping – you know exactly the kind of behavior I’m talking about, and I will be the first to admit how often I fail, despite my best efforts. This widespread acceptance of what can only be described as a disgustingly distorted idea of female relationships is disturbing. I want to encourage women (myself included) to analyze our hearts, to dig through the repressed emotions and fully deal with our insecurities. Let’s vow to be more honest with ourselves and more open and genuine with others. Honesty is the only way to break the vicious cycle of jealousy and comparison.
In a continued effort of promoting transparency, below are some hard lessons I’ve learned for myself. Consider them confessions of sorts. By no means am I insinuating these lessons apply to your life as well. Our power as women is in our ability to love and to connect, and if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest, we are bound to find supportive and healthy female friendships.
- If you do not have genuine female friends, chances are that you’re the problem – not them. Analyze your behavior: Do you question the motives of every woman who opts to wear heels rather than your idea of “appropriate footwear”? Do you proudly declare that you get along with men better than women? Do you secretly hate when another woman shares with you her story of success and interpret her actions as gloating? You can’t litter negativity everywhere and then wonder why you can’t connect with others on a deeper level.
- Confrontation is hard, but unless you meet those unresolved feelings of hurt straight-on, you will soon be left with no friends at all. Tension, if not dealt with properly, has a way of unraveling the strongest of relationships.
- On a similar note, the old adage that nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of a third is, unfortunately, true. Sometimes so-called friendships are built entirely on the fact that two women hate a third. Analyze the female friendships in your life: Why are you friends? What is it that you have in common? If the only thing you bond over is your dislike of another woman, it may be time to find new friends.
- Some women truly need to be called out on their bullshit, but do it only if you’re willing to be called out on yours. I know that I am not shit sometimes. The point that I am making is to not sacrifice your peace trying to point out someone’s true colors. Lack of character always, always reveals itself in due time. Besides, the people who hurt you typically do it in an attempt to heal themselves, and when you become aware of that, your desire to “put them in their place” disappears altogether.
- There will always be somebody prettier, smarter, better dressed, thinner, wealthier, more successful, etc. than you. It’s natural to feel intimidated, but if you can’t sort through your insecurities and learn to deal with this fact in a healthy way then you will always, always be miserable. Similarly, if you have women in your life with whom you interact only to feel better about yourself and your own life, it’s time to face reality. Whether or not we’re willing to admit it to ourselves, we find some sort of sick satisfaction when other women feel envious or intimidated by us. It’s bad, and it needs to stop. Go the extra mile to prove that you are more than a pretty face, that your life is not as perfect as it seems and that you need friends, too.
Building and maintaining relationships is never easy, but if we can put the cattiness to the side we can all get along much better and continue to run the world properly. -Gabby